Basically this text has two sections: my metaphysical standpoint and then it flows into the second part about me being an extremely problematic person, then it kind of flows back to part one, but i will try to provide a quick summary in the first paragraph. The second part exists because i think people deserve to know how i actually came to what i believe now and they also can make a decision to say "f u" and leave this website, never ever giving me a chance to influence their beliefs even for a little, because maybe i don't actually deserve a platform to spread my ideas.
I am not really sure about my views yet, but so far i would sum up them like this:
I sincerely believe that the first religion of Divine Revelation was a Proto-Shakta religion practised in Assyria or somewhere near in the middle east. The Mother (not specifically boiled down to any particular feminine archetype, but more of the sumed up version of all known Goddesses) is actually responsible for creating the world and humanity. Traces of this can be found in some names of Ishtar, creation stories from China ( China has strange cultural similarities to Sumer that need to be studied later), Shaktism, Gnostic Sophia, notions of prayer to Blessed Virgin Mary being one of the most powerful in the Christian workframe and many many more. Speaking of my love for word "workframe". Yes, i believe in this hippie idea of all religions trying to describe the same thing but accidentally coming to disagreements because God is kind of paradoxical and can be in superposition. That's why I am prone to thinking of morals in a non dual way, cause God is def above the human morals and doesn't obey our projection of it. Basically what i am trying to convey is that Satan and YHWH are one at it's core, and you are God too!, but for some reason higher God desired to lock us down in onion like meat and zodiacal layers and make us forget that we can return our Godhood. To overcome this you need to become your higher self. And this aspect of spirituality is best described in Hindu traditions in my opinion. You need to find your Ishtadevata, basically the God/Goddess archetype that is best suited for evolution of your spirit towards it, the most natural path to follow. Also you need to keep in mind that all of us are born different and some are more prone to passions and ignorance, while others just naturally have a moral compas that makes sainthood very out there for them. While humans are humans there will always be winners and losers, rulers and servants, Brahmans, Kshatriyas and Shudras. This knowledge will save you from wrong assumptions of people being able to be achieve what you achieved or you achiving what that one Saint achieved. I don't say it's absolutely impossible, but i agree that it's better to be bad at your path on this Earth, than to be good at the wrong place for you. People basically come from a different place in their day to day lives and it doesn't make them bad. It's their path, their lessons, their story. The best thing you can do is just be good at reading people and understanding their and your place in this world. Despite describing human differences in detail, i don't believe that most people possess any sort of individuality and their personality can be easily boiled down to their social function, upbringing, stereotypical roles available for their time period that are appointed to people in accordance with their physical, mental qualities and their perceived usefulness/conformity to society. To have a real personality is actually extremely difficult because it means having above average willpower to actually choose your way and not blindly flow with the conditions and things you are programmed to think by Nature itself at this point. That's why I think personal responsibility is actually a haux and most people aren't even capable of acting outside their social and biological proggraming.And it might sound strange in context of Hinduism, but having a personality and still accepting your role might be a first step on the path of loosing one's Ego. World history is driven by two towers that fight against each other: Thesis (White Sun) and Antithesis (Black Moon). This fight gives birth to a child called Synthesis (Star). Humans as species are the result of synthesis, but every individual should understand which tower they serve if they serve any and it loops back to Ishtdevata and other questions one should answer. My life path showed me that trying to practice empathy when you essentially have none is like hitting your head against the wall. Sometimes it's better to live by the principle "eye for an eye" or maybe even "two eyes for an eye" because not everyone can be a martyr with a huge loving forgiving heart, some people need to actually make sure they don't let shi slide, so that completely lost can't kill a martyr early on on his path or just do whatever without punishment. Maybe I am wrong for thinking that but a month ago something happened to my head and i physically can't wait for justice from God for so long and it's way easier to just attempt to make my vison of it a reality. If He thinks i am on a wrong path He can actually make sure i understand.
If I took all these as axiom earlier in life i would hurt less people by just knowing that they are basically incapable of understanding me and i can't understand them either and shouldn't try to help them, because i actually can't, even if in my worldview they are me and it makes me as sympathetic as i can be. I am really sorry for starting this paragraph with bratty self-soothing snore. I just can't help myself and still hope that some people will actually benefit from knowing my experience and thoughts, despite me being actually awful person IRL by pther people accounts. Most of my life i was sincerely trying to be a good Christian, despite my parents and me having Cluster B personalities, that make us absolutely not suitable for this spiritual path in my opinion, because i don't actually have that much empathy even for people who treated me right most of the time, i am naturally extremely self centered, i don't know what i think and feel most of the time, which makes me extremely manipulative and unreliable. I crave bright emotions so bad i can't sustain shi in life without again falling into manipulative lane. When i lose my shi i send people death threads. And I was trying to overcome all of this and don't expect anything in return from the World, because despite my heart being completely shut from actually feeling love to my neighbour, intellectualy I was convinced that The World needs Christians, partially because i thought about Christian morals a lot, and also coming from my extremely intense religious experience with what God is capable of for someone who is open to the idea of Him being possible. But i think you already guessed why i am not this person anymore. I actually did more harm to this World and me as a person, who is a part of family and society and needs to function within this restrictions. Everyday of my life was filled with suffering and shame, no one appreciated my attempts to be a somewhat good person, cause i wasn't actually good, i was just acting normal most of the time and then failing to be normal and falling back to being delulu. But for me it took enormous amounts of inner energy, cause i actually felt bad when i failed, however it didn't help me to get better. Like at all. I had a really low social status and i only had two sides: "you can do whatever to me and i won't say shi. I can't secure my borders because if i let my control go and let a mask slip off even for little i will actually be a murderous fiend that wants your blood for being lil disrespectful even though i completely understand why you don't respect me and it makes me even more furious" and the second option is just being fiend from the start of the situation cause i am running low on mental powers, so i just can't hide it anymore. That's not what a true Christian is at all, but i honestly think i tried my best and i never managed to do better than that. That's exactly why Church Fathers empathize the development of an open loving heart, because when rational part fails to do good, the heart should interfere and lead to the best outcome.
That's why to this day i really respect Christians and think their faith comes from the place of immense inner power and love, rather than weakness. However on a mass scale Christianity really failed Europe on almost any level
That basically lead to enormous amounts of money being held by ethnic minorities and therefore they had great influence due to other Europeans (including kings) willingly playing with worse economical conditions, but still being jealous;
and it meant being antagonistic to other nations not only on basis of territorial disputes but also denying their faith any validity. If a Jewish person switched up on Judaism and chose Hurrian Gods as an example he was excluded from basically everything he ever knew. This mentality was inherited by Christians as well, because even in early Church days we can find acts of vandalism towards roman statues that later turned into terrorising Katars for beliving a wrong thing about Scriptures and having postions of power as noble knights. Or let's take Eastern Europe where Russians were killing their own Orthodox bros for being conservative and not letting go of old Russian Orthodox customs immideatly after Greeks said "You did it all wrong. Depicting Jesus as Aryan Agartha Gigachad is inherently bad and drawing icons of Father is cringe" (read more about Old Orthodox and Nikon's reform);
in the society that litteraly can't handle basic things like being horny or having intrusive thoughts because instead of shadow work these dudes just overfocus on their moral failure and don't treat it light at all. Because this people try to be perfect they actually think that everuone else should be as strict to themselves as they are. It's a foreign attack by a demonic army they should have avoided by starving themselves, reading more prayers etc and this sort of thinking might help some people, but in my experience it usually makes guys stuck in a loop for years and never making any meaningful progress or just enjoying the gift of life; This logic never died out after Christianity and that is why now despite everyone carrying more about psyhology it is mostly used to demonize people for just being imperfect and leaving no place for human mistakes. Everyone is a manipulator now. Especially that one girl you were texting about your feet vascular problems and she suggested quiting smoking immediatly because even though it's a complex problem that can trigger WG and physical pain it's better to visit a shrink with some experience of maybe not succsesfull but attempt at quitting addiction because life won't give you a perfect moment than to expect psyhologist magically making quitting smoking easy bla bla bla WHATEVER! That girl is a scum because she made me feel bad and that's why she deserves no respect even though she literally carried my drunk ass that one night and was watching me not to die in my own vomit. it doesn't matter i like..tolerated her ugly goofy ass in my friend group. She should have just said "I believe in you" and not her actuall opinion! Ohh she is upset that i was rude to her for her STUPID ATTEMPT TO ADVICE ME AND HELP ME IN HER LITTLE FREE TIME?? girl she is a psyhopath i knew it. absolutely doesnt respect my borders!
I think "do not throw pearls before swine" is the most underrated verse of the New Testament and 90% don't actually know how to apply it IRL and how to stay humble, loving and nonjudgmental while simultaneously making a decision on who is a swine (?) and there are some other moments in Christ's teachings that go against "human nature" so drastically that even a lot of Christians come to conclusion that following all that is actually a God's blessing and miracle in it self. + The different branches of Christianity don't make it easier. Protestants brought actual scripture to the people of Europe, while Catholics gatekeeped it from regular folk and that made people lean towards more archaic parts of their culture to fill the gaps and instead of making scripture available to solve the heresy epidemic Church decided to burn everyone down. But protestants left no place for saints (role models that can inspire people) and got rid of icons and other beautiful decorations in interior that lead to Christianity becoming even more ascetic in it's aesthetic and dull/unattractive for regular people. Some branches of Protestantism started straight up making shi up and had nothing to do with the spirit of Christianity and are closer to wahhabism in that regard. Orthodox church is extremely niche and isn't historically relevant to Western world, however it might be the closest thing to a true Christianity in modern world. It doesn't mean that it lacks problems though. It's focus on ethno-territorial borders is better than Catholic violent methods, but Orthodox might be willing to compromise and be populistic a little too much. United Orthodox church is basically a myth and every denomination maybe isn't completely different but they are not all that alike in their practices (it's hard to imagine a serbian orthodox with a cross tattoo on their forehead and a egyption one participating in burning of the doll or a Japanese person praying to a black Mary icon) and Orthodox churches in some countries even had their small schisms over oddly specific topics. Also Orthodox have shops in their churches and it's directly against scripture and shouldn't be tolerated as well as mega churches tho). And to wrap up i don't want to point fingers but some Orthodox countries defenetly allow political ideas and figures interfere their spirituality and it makes idea of the universal church out of season for 21 century.